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Spasms & Spamocidal Mania


Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:

S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)

N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of People Who Hate Spam)

P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Don't Hate Spam)

P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle Choice)

S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People Who Really Really Really Hate Spam)

P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears)

And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource Directory Services.

DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,

I'm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited commercial email:

Spam!

I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a single, unified organization:

The Spammish Inquisition!

And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. Our Grand Inquisatrix!

WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS?

You think YOU hate spam? You don't even know what hate is!

I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! That's how much!

If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that?

Don't think so.

I don't mean to say that I don't hate other things too, like pedophiles and nazis and that drunk guy who backed over my cat when I was seven.

But spam... hooboy!

SQUISH 'EM LIKE BUGS!

I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed.

As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that might have been purchased with spam profits.

Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like joking about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand Inquisatrix, I'll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to sniff out spamsters and be really mean to them and call them names until they promise to be good little netizens again.

It's for their own good.

IN CLOSING...

Having looked at the websites of some of the anti-spam crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion, disgust and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam.

Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane problems like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and poverty so as to focus on the true menace ravaging our cyber-society.

If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending me $99, and as a free gift I'll send you a CD with the email addresses of 40 million netizens eagerly awaiting news of your latest product or service.

Linda Cox, G.I.W. (Grand Inquisatrix Wannabe)

P.S. Oh yeah... stale croutons. Hate 'em.

About The Author

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wild-eyed horses dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction. That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.) http://www.LindaCox.com/


MORE RESOURCES:

Spam Blocker - Google News

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How To Block Robocalls: Automated Calls Are Rising, Here's How ... - International Business Times


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Digital publishers cry foul as Google exerts more control over an industry it already dominates - Times of India


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Stop spam calls with the best call- and text-blocker apps - Digital Trends


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Unwanted calls and texts are a serious problem. There were almost 30 billion robocalls in the U.S. last year according to YouMail research. Thankfully, the Federal Communications Commission is acting to try and protect consumers from unwanted ...

T-Mobile's spam call blocking is coming to MetroPCS - The Verge - The Verge


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Back in March, T-Mobile introduced Scam ID and Scam Block, two features that help users avoid annoying robocalls, and now it's bringing the service to MetroPCS. Starting tomorrow, all MetroPCS users will automatically get Scam ID, the feature that ...
MetroPCS Fights Spam Calls Through Scam ID, Scam Block Android Headlines
MetroPCS customers get Scam ID and Scam Block this week TmoNews
Scam ID and Scam Block coming to Metro PCS to stop scammers ... 9to5Mac
T-Mobile Newsroom
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Verizon is charging for anti-spam features T-Mobile and AT&T give away for free - The Verge


The Verge

Verizon is charging for anti-spam features T-Mobile and AT&T give away for free
The Verge
More important, however, is the fact that competing carriers offer robocall and spam warnings to their subscribers for free. T-Mobile, for instance, even does so on a network level, so you don't have to download an extraneous app. T-Mobile announced ...

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How to Stop Spam Calls Before You Kill Your Phone - Gizmodo


Gizmodo

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Nomorobo, which is used by some carriers, just launched on iOS and identifies spam calls in a similar way—it will set you back $1.99 a month, but unlike Hiya, it won't touch your contacts or call history. Meanwhile, Should I Answer? is free for ...

BT's spam blocker IDs accident claims as top nuisance call • The ... - The Register


The Register

BT's spam blocker IDs accident claims as top nuisance call • The ...
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BT's free spam filter, launched earlier this year to crack down on nuisance calls, has identified accident claims as the worst offender for nuisance calls with 12 million made in the first week of March. Some two million customers have signed up to the ...

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How to block spam on your phone | Fox News - Fox News


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Ting! You've received a new message. You put down your shopping bags, dig into your pocket and pull out your smartphone — and then you frown, because it's from a phone number you've never seen in your life, and the message reads: “REAL ROLEX 90% OFF!”

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